The journey of self-forgiveness: finding inner-peace and self-love
Forgiving yourself is one of the most courageous and transformative acts of self-love.
Often, we find it easy to extend compassion to others but much harder to do the same for ourselves. From choices we've made in relationships to decisions we wish we had approached differently, it’s easy to get caught in a vicious cycle of regret, guilt, and blame. I know this because I’ve walked this path myself, both as a therapist and as a woman who has made mistakes and felt the weight of my own choices.
In my personal journey, there were times when I looked back at relationships and thought, "I should have known better" or "If only I had done things differently." As I reflect on these moments now as a 36 year old with the life experiences I’ve had (My older brother once said said to me when we were discussing the trauma I’ve endured in the past, “Wow, it’s almost like you’ve lived the lives of 5 different people combined into 1”.). It always stuck with me and I recognise that holding onto self blame didn’t ever serve me... not once. In fact, it kept me stuck. What finally began to heal those wounds was the decision to see myself not as someone who failed, but as someone who was learning. Someone who was simply human. I had held myself to such a high standard at times which didn’t align with my actions and it made me feel guilty when I didn’t keep myself to the imaginary, impossible high standard and perfect person that I had created in my mind for myself.
Carl Rogers, the founder of humanistic therapy, believed in the power of unconditional positive regard. This is the idea that we are worthy of love and acceptance simply because we exist. Simply because we are human. We don’t need to prove ourselves or achieve perfection to be deserving of kindness - especially our own. So in a way, forgiving yourself means embodying this idea, offering yourself the same grace and compassion you would offer someone you deeply care about.
Understanding That You Are Human
One of the core beliefs in humanistic therapy is that we are all works in progress. Mistakes are not a reflection of our worth but what they are is actually a reflection of our growth. As a therapist, I’ve often seen clients wrestle with guilt or shame over their past choices, and I remind them of this: You are not your mistakes. You are a human being, constantly evolving, learning, and adapting. That is OK and you are allowed to be just that.
In my personal journey, learning to view my mistakes as part of my growth rather than evidence of failure shifted everything. It allowed me to take a step back and see myself with a softer and kinder perspective. Self-forgiveness begins when we start viewing ourselves through this compassionate lens.
Steps Toward Self-Forgiveness
If you're struggling with forgiving yourself, I want to help. I know personally how hard it is to be in that place. Stuck. So, I want to share below some steps that have helped me and many of my clients:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step in forgiving yourself is to be honest about the emotions you’re carrying. Are you feeling guilt, regret, or shame? Sometimes, these feelings get stuck because we haven’t allowed ourselves to fully feel them. Sit with them without judgment... just observe and acknowledge their presence.
2. Shift the Perspective
Instead of asking, "Why did I do this?" try asking, "What was I learning?" or “Where was I at this point in my life, mentally, physically or spiritually?”. This shift allows you to move from a place of judgment to a place of curiosity and understanding. What was your emotional state at the time? What did you know or not know then that you do now? By reframing your past actions as part of your personal growth, you can begin to soften the attack on yourself and your past actions.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
We often reserve our harshest criticism for ourselves. One of the greatest tools in my personal healing has been practicing self-compassion. Ask yourself, "If my friend had made the same mistake, how would I comfort them?" or “What would I say to them?”. Now, offer yourself that same comfort and kindness. The same understanding. Try to sit for a moment. It may sound cheesy but place your hand on your heart, breathe deeply, and remind yourself, "I am doing the best I can with the knowledge and experience that I currently have”.
4. Release the Need for Perfection
Forgiving yourself requires releasing the unrealistic expectation of perfection. There is no perfect way to live or love. Accepting that imperfection is part of being human is liberating. In the past, I often wished I had responded differently in certain situations, but holding onto the past only kept me stuck. When I allowed myself to be imperfect, it opened up space for healing. I can’t stress this enough and I say it too often but you are human. You are allowed to make mistakes. Not one person on this planet has not made a mistake. Not even a saint. Be easy on yourself - It’s hard to be here.
5. Take Responsibility Without Punishment
Taking responsibility for your actions doesn’t mean punishing yourself for them. Accountability is about recognising the impact of your choices, learning from them, and deciding how you will move forward. Forgiving yourself is not about excusing behaviour, but about releasing the emotional burden that comes from punishing yourself. Again, it is not about excusing the behaviour or act... it is about understanding it and why you did it.
6. Seek Support
Forgiving yourself is often easier when you have someone to walk with you on the journey and explore it with you. Whether it's a therapist, a trusted friend, or a loved one, talking about your experience can help release the weight of guilt. As someone who has been both a therapist and a person on this journey, I can tell you that the healing power of connection and support is truly incredible. If you don’t feel like you have support around you through this or you feel others won’t understand, please do reach out for a consultation call and we can see if it’s something you would like help with.
A Personal Note on Growth and Healing
In my own life, I’ve found that forgiveness doesn’t come all at once - it is a process. Some days, I am able to extend grace to myself more easily than others. But the more I practice, the more I realise that self-forgiveness is not just about the past and dwelling there, it’s about creating a future where I can move forward with an open heart. This makes it also so much easier to extend that kindness and compassion to others.
Forgiving yourself is an act of deep self-love. It means accepting that you, like everyone else, are constantly growing, and that you are deserving of compassion, healing, and freedom. From both personal and professional experience, I can tell you that while the journey may be long and at times difficult, the inner-peace that you find at the end is worth every minute of it.
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless your forgive the situation, unless you realise that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
