Healing Your Anxiously Attached Heart While Still Dating
We are know that while at best dating can be exciting and fun with the possibilty of finding ‘your person’, and at worst dating can be so difficult and taxing that it can put you off it entirely. Dating is hard enough on its own to take the risk on, but if you have an anxious attachment style, it can feel like navigating an emotional minefield. Constant worry, needing reassurance, and feeling like the relationship might end at any moment are exhausting. What we must remember is that you can heal your attachment style while still dating. It just takes a little self-awareness, communication, and compassion for yourself.
So for the purpose of this blog, I wanted to answer to the best of my ability to questions that I find I am asked the most by my clients who have anxious attachment styles. Before we get to those, let’s get into what anxious attachment is, and then we can get to how it affects relationships, and, more importantly, how you can work towards healing while still dating, because although at times it may seem hopeless.. you can date, and you can date well.
What Is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment is one of the primary attachment styles, often rooted in childhood experiences. If your caregivers were inconsistent, maybe sometimes attentive but other times unavailable or emotionally distant, it could leave you with a sense of uncertainty about love and relationships. As adults, this uncertainty shows up as anxiety in relationships. You might find yourself constantly seeking reassurance, worrying about your partner’s feelings for you, or fearing that they will leave, even when there’s no evidence to support that fear.
In essence, you’re always on high alert, wondering if the love and connection you crave will suddenly disappear.
Can Anxious Attachment Be Cured?
This is one of the most asked questioned and I don’t believe cure is the right word, but it shows how people percieve anxious attachment. I also believe it really speaks to the depth of how we see it as something which effects a lot of aspects of our lives and that we have this need and want to fix and heal it. So, while there’s no magical "cure" that makes anxious attachment vanish overnight, it’s entirely possible to shift towards a more secure attachment style. Keeping in mind that with any cure, there are some things that work for some people and some that don’t work as well for other. Your cure to a common cold may be vitamin c and ‘sweating it out’ with blankets and extra clothing while sleeping, but for others it may be rest and soup and some paracetamol. So with that in mind it’s important to recongise that if we want to treat it as something to be ‘cured’ we need to approach it as something in which different methods may work for different people, but there are some basics that are proven to help. Healing anxious attachment is a also process. It’s about understanding your emotional triggers, learning to self-regulate and self-soothe, and building a strong sense of self-worth that doesn’t rely on constant validation from your partner or the person you are dating. Therapy, mindfulness, and healthy communication can all support this journey. Think of it less as a quick fix and more as a lifelong process of self-growth and emotional resilience.
What Does Anxious Attachment Feel Like?
Anxious attachment often feels like an emotional rollercoaster. When things are going well, you feel on top of the world. But when you don’t get the validation or attention you need, it can feel like the ground is falling away. Small things, like a delayed text response or your partner seeming distant, can set off intense anxiety. You might start questioning whether they still love you or if they’re planning to leave or in the case of someone you’re dating, if they are even that into you. These thoughts can spiral, leaving you feeling on edge, insecure, and emotionally drained. They can also make you want to retreat, break up, display behaviours to ‘test’ the strength of the relationship or interested party, or simply shut down any communcation altogether.
What Triggers Anxious Attachment?
Several situations can trigger an anxious attachment response, including:
Inconsistent Communication: If your partner’s communication is unpredictable - sometimes affectionate, other times distant - it can make you feel unsure of where you stand. Not answering text messages straight away, or being flipant with response times. Texting you back and forth for an hour and then all of a sudden texting responses drop to every few hours or at the worst (for someone who is anxiously attached) the next day.
Physical or Emotional Distance: When your partner is busy, travelling, or simply not as emotionally available, it can activate deep-seated fears of abandonment. If they are themselves secure, then they may not feel the need to check in when they’re busy or in the middle of travelling somewhere. To them, they may just be waiting to have time to message or call you. To you, it can trigger a sense of abandonment or make you feel like you’re not being thought of.
Perceived Rejection: Not hearing from your partner when you expect to or not receiving compliments or reassurance can feel like rejection, even if that’s not the case. If your partner isn’t very vocal and you are already feeling uncertain or unsure then this can obviously trigger you to feel worse.
These triggers stem from deeper fears of abandonment, often linked to early experiences with caregivers. When your partner doesn’t behave in a way that makes you feel secure, it can cause old anxieties to flare up.
What Makes Anxious Attachment Worse?
Several factors can make anxious attachment worse, including:
Inconsistent Behaviour: If the behaviour of your partner or the person you are dating is unpredictable, it can increase your sense of insecurity. One day they’re affectionate, the next they seem distant, and it leaves you wondering what’s going on.
Lack of Communication: When feelings aren’t talked about openly, it can lead to misunderstandings and fuel your fear of abandonment. Open, honest and transparent communication is so crucial to ‘fixing’ anxious attachment.
Unresolved Trauma: If you have unresolved issues from past relationships or childhood, they can resurface in your current relationship, making your attachment anxiety worse. This is normally where therapy can help.
How Does Anxious Attachment Show Up in Relationships?
In romantic relationships, anxious attachment tends to show up as:
Clinginess: Feeling like you always need to be close to your partner or constantly check in when you’re away from them.
Jealousy: Feeling threatened by your partner’s independence or their relationships with others.
Need for Reassurance: Seeking constant validation, asking questions like “Do you still love me?” or “Are we okay?” regularly.
Difficulty Being Alone: You might struggle to enjoy your own company or feel secure without your partner’s presence.
These behaviours are driven by an intense need for connection and security, but they can sometimes have the opposite effect, pushing partners away, causing them to feel suffocated or always questioned which then can cause them to want to create more distance.
How to Deal with Anxious Attachment While Dating
Dating with anxious attachment can feel like you’re always waiting for the red flag to appear or the other person to stop having an interest. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here’s some of the ways to manage your anxiety and create healthier dating experiences:
1. Recognise Your Triggers
Start by identifying the situations or behaviours that set off your anxiety. Is it when your partner doesn’t text back right away? Or when they cancel plans? Once you know your triggers, you can start to respond to them more calmly, rather than letting your emotions take over.
2. Practice Self-Soothing
Learning how to calm yourself down is crucial. This could be through mindfulness, deep breathing, or simply taking a step back from the situation before reacting. When you feel the anxiety creeping in, pause and remind yourself that your feelings might not reflect reality. ‘Thoughts, not facts’ is what you want to keep remembering here.
3. Communicate Your Needs
Don’t be afraid to express how you feel, but the key is to do it in a way that doesn’t come across as accusatory or intense. Instead of saying, “You never text me back, I guess you’re not that interested?” try something like, “I feel a bit anxious when you leave it till the next day to text back. Can we talk about our different communication styles?”
4. Set Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for managing anxious attachment. Sometimes, in an attempt to avoid rejection, you might put the person you are dating first, putting their needs before your own. Learning to set and respect your own boundaries is key to creating a balanced relationship where both your needs are met.
5. Focus on Self-Worth
One of the core struggles of anxious attachment is feeling like you’re not enough. Work on building your self-esteem through positive self-talk, recognising your strengths, and practicing self-compassion. The more secure you feel in yourself, the less you’ll rely on constant validation from your partner. The more you love yourself and value your worth, the less you’ll worry about whether or not the person you are dating is interested.
Can People with Anxious Attachment Have Healthy Relationships?
Of course! People with anxious attachment can have loving, fulfilling, and secure relationships. The key is understanding your attachment style and taking active steps to work on it. Choosing a partner with a secure attachment style can help, as they tend to offer the emotional stability you need. But it’s also important to work on yourself, learning how to self-soothe, communicate openly, and build a strong sense of self-worth.
Should You Be Dating While Healing?
Of course. Healing your attachment style doesn’t mean you have to put your love life on hold. I believe that dating can be one of the most powerful ways to practice the new emotional tools you’re learning. Let’s be honest, if we all waited till we were ‘fully healed’ from all of our past experiences or traumas, the majority of the world would be single.
While the idea of dating when you’re still healing might feel daunting, it offers real-time opportunities to test out healthier relationship habits like we mentioned above such as self-soothing, setting boundaries, and clear communication. It’s through experience that you can truly grow.
Think of dating not as a final exam you have to pass but as a series of practice sessions. Each relationship, date, or even moment of anxiety is an opportunity to look at your responses, reflect on them and build new patterns if they need changed. If you wait until you’re ‘fully healed’ before you start dating, you might miss out on the very experiences that help you solidify the skills you’re working on. The truth is, healing is a process, and it doesn’t need to be completed before you seek love.
The key is to approach dating with patience and self-compassion. You will have good days and difficult days, but the point is to be kind to yourself during the process. Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line, and it’s perfectly okay to stumble, feel anxious, or even fall back into old patterns now and then. Be kind to yourself throughout the dating process, and if you fail, good news is, you’re probably human. Every step forward, no matter how small, brings you closer to the secure, loving relationships that you really do deserve.
Take time to notice your progress. Have you been able to catch yourself and take a moment before you spiral into anxiety when the person you are texting doesn’t reply right away? Are you able to express your needs more clearly, or set a boundary that makes you feel safe? Celebrate those wins, even if they feel small. Healing is about progress, not perfection. This is your journey and you must try to not to compare it to others.
Remember, dating while healing also means recognising that not every relationship will be ‘the one’ and that’s ok. Sometimes, a relationship may simply serve as a mirror to help you to see where more growth is needed. Rather than viewing a breakup or dating disaster as a setback, try to reframe it as part of your healing journey. You’ll leave each relationship or dating experience with more insight into what you need, what you want, and what you deserve. Also, what you don’t want and don’t need.
Final Thoughts
Healing isn’t about waiting for perfection or avoiding vulnerability. It’s about embracing your journey, with all its messiness and beauty, and recognising that every step forward is progress. You are not defined by your anxious thoughts or fears. Instead, you’re someone who can grow, heal, and love deeply, even in the face of those fears.
Your worth isn’t determined by how well you handle your attachment style or how you heal it, it's inherent in who you are. As you date, focus on building connections that allow you to feel seen, valued, and supported, without having to abandon your own needs. And through this process, not only are you creating a path to secure love, but you’re also showing yourself the kind of compassion and care that you truly deserve.
You’re capable of transformation, not just within your relationships, but within yourself.
Keep moving forward, keep showing up for yourself, and know that love is not something you have to chase, it’s something that you’re building from the inside out.
